"Just Be Yourself"

That simple three-word phrase has been uttered by many people throughout my lifetime. It seems like recently this phrase has been spoken by someone after I have vented to them about my singleness. There are times in my life when I really feel like I will never meet the right person, and then invariably someone will say, "Just be yourself."

Well, I am, at my core, a "nice" guy. The old saying goes that "Nice guys finish last." Well I do believe that to be true, to an extent. But, I'm not going to change who I am, and I just read something that has given me a lot of hope for the future.

I was perusing the Facebook page of a friend of mine, and I decided to take a look at her "25 Random Facts" posting. This posting has been making the rounds lately, and I have really enjoyed learning more about my friends.

I read one fact that intrigued me. In essence she mentioned how she had been engaged twice before, but then she realized that the "bad guy" wasn't going to make her life complete. Then she met her husband, and she realized that a "good guy" would be her soulmate.

Reading that put a huge smile on my face. I know how happy this friend is, and it is nice to know that her husband is a good guy. He's not an asshole or a jerk. Instead he's a great father and a lucky man, because my friend is awesome.

One caveat...I don't want anyone reading this to think that I am just a wimp. There's a difference in being a good, nice guy and being a wimp that gets walked all over. So in typical "guy fashion" I need to puff out my chest and emphasize this point with a story. :)

I went to dinner with a close friend of mine a couple of weeks ago. We weren't at a particularly fancy place, but we did use the valet parking that they had available at the restaurant. After the dinner was over, the valet attendant told us to wait inside, while he went to go get my car.

At this time, a very intoxicated guy came through the front door. He walked behind me, and in the process, stumbled over a part of my wheelchair. It was completely an accident, and I instinctually apologized to him, even though I had not done anything wrong. This guy then shot me a very dirty, pissed off look. He even looked like he was thinking about taking a swing at me.

Now, I have never been in a fight. Sure, I've wrestled with my brother, but who hasn't? But, I have never been in a legitimate fight. However, this guy did not frighten me. I ignored him, because the attendant was approaching with my car, but I was not intimidated.

First of all, I have always believed that if anyone ever messed with me when I was out in public, some random guy would be there to help. It doesn't look good for someone to start a fight with a disabled guy. So, I'm sure that someone would "have my back".

But, I'm also very confident in my upper body strength. I can bench press a large amount of weight, and I am confident that if I ever needed to defend myself, I would be able to. On the drive home, I asked my friend about this, and she told me that she had no doubt that I would have been able to take care of myself.

So...back to my main point. :) I'm going to continue being myself. I'm going to continue to be nice, caring, sweet, funny, intelligent, sarcastic, etc. I've tried the "asshole" thing in the past, and that doesn't work for me.

Thanks to reading my friend's post, I know that I am on the right track. I'm sure that when she wrote her post, she had no idea she was going to affect my life. But she did, and I'm very grateful.

FYI, if you ever see me out, and you trip over my wheelchair, it wasn't my fault. Don't get pissed. :)

Table for One

I have been through a lot in my life. I've had about 30 operations, and I've met a lot of challenges head on. I've had a pretty successful life so far, and I hardly ever get down. In fact I've always prided myself on my ability to rise above my circumstances in life. But, every once in awhile I just get tired of certain aspects of my life. So, I'm going to be on my "pity pot" for a bit.

I'm lonely. I'm 36, and I haven't been in a serious relationship for a long time. In fact, I spend more time by myself than with other people. My happiest times are when I am at work, because I'm surrounded by other people.

I do have some very close friends, but most of them live out of the area. I also have some very special friends that live in town, but they are more interested in staying at home than I am. Like I mentioned in another entry, I love live music, and I love to get out and hear it. So, I tend to do a lot of stuff by myself.

I told myself, long ago, that I would not let me being alone, be a reason for not doing things. So, I eat out alone all the time, and I'm totally fine with that. But, I've done lots of other things alone, like going to concerts, etc. Those are the things that tend to make me feel like a freakin' loser.

Like I mentioned before, I haven't been in a relationship in awhile. I have two main problems that are keeping that from happening. The first one is that I am very shy. It's weird, I am a total extrovert with my students. I have no problem being a leader in the classroom, and I am at total ease there. But, I tend to clam up in social situations. So, I'm never going to be the guy that hits on all the girls at the bar. But that's ok...those guys are annoying.

The other problem, is that I've received some good-intentioned, but very hurtful, comments in the past. I've heard things like, "Kevin, you'll never find someone until you lose weight. No one will ever be interested in a guy as fat as you."

I know that I am overweight, and I have been taking steps to work on that. But when I get comments like that, the self-doubt comes rushing in. BTW, I'm not losing weight for the people that have made those comments--I'm losing weight for ME and my health.

Now I have been told, many times, that I am an attractive guy. I don't want to sound cocky, but I do feel that I am decent looking. But, it's that stupid shyness and lingering self-doubt that tends to sabotage me all the time. Both of these factors keep me from really showing the "real" Kevin to people. The people that truly know me, know that I am very talkative, and I love to make people laugh. But that side of me is lost in the fog.

It's strange, my disability isn't really a huge factor in my loneliness. This is a strange statement, but I don't "look" disabled. I just look like a regular guy that happens to be sitting down in a wheelchair. So, I have never gotten hurtful comments from people saying stuff like, "No one will ever like a guy in a wheelchair."

I'm currently doing Eharmony, and that has me frustrated. BTW, I mention my disability in my profile on the site. I decided that I wanted to use it as a filter. I mention the fact that I am in a wheelchair, but I try to use humor to downplay it. It really doesn't define me, and my profile is very casual about mentioning it.

I use it as a filter, because I want to be upfront with people. I have tried other dating services in the past, where I have not mentioned it upfront. I have had many initial phone conversations with women before, where I mentioned it near the end of the phone call. Then, I would get a comment like, "I'm going to be out-of-town this week, but I'll call you later." Of course, they never called back.

So, I just mention it now and get it out of the way. I've had PLENTY of people close me out in the past. I'm sure some have closed me out due to lack of chemistry, etc. However, I'm sure that many others have closed me out due to the disability. When you close out a person in Eharmony, you are supposed to indicate why--by choosing from a list of predetermined reasons. I have had MANY people close me out--by checking "Other". But that is ok. I want someone that is open-minded enough to date someone in a wheelchair. Besides, it has tons of advantages--good parking, great seats at concerts/sporting events, etc. :)

But, I haven't had much success with Eharmony lately. I am in the "open" communication stage with several different women, and I have just been playing phone tag with them. This is my second attempt with Eharmony, and the frustrating thing is that I haven't had any dates with anyone during this second attempt at it. I really doubt that I will renew my membership when it expires in a few weeks.

I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but that's ok. I just needed to vent. It's weird, I had my mp3 player going in my car as I was driving home tonight. One of the songs that came on was "Grey Street" by the Dave Matthews Band. The song is about being lonely, and wanting to redo your life. Fortunately my situation isn't as bleak as the protagonist of the song, but my life is quite "grey" at times.

Like I said, I don't know if anyone is reading my stuff, but feel free to click on my profile and contact me if you have any questions or comments.