Table for One

I have been through a lot in my life. I've had about 30 operations, and I've met a lot of challenges head on. I've had a pretty successful life so far, and I hardly ever get down. In fact I've always prided myself on my ability to rise above my circumstances in life. But, every once in awhile I just get tired of certain aspects of my life. So, I'm going to be on my "pity pot" for a bit.

I'm lonely. I'm 36, and I haven't been in a serious relationship for a long time. In fact, I spend more time by myself than with other people. My happiest times are when I am at work, because I'm surrounded by other people.

I do have some very close friends, but most of them live out of the area. I also have some very special friends that live in town, but they are more interested in staying at home than I am. Like I mentioned in another entry, I love live music, and I love to get out and hear it. So, I tend to do a lot of stuff by myself.

I told myself, long ago, that I would not let me being alone, be a reason for not doing things. So, I eat out alone all the time, and I'm totally fine with that. But, I've done lots of other things alone, like going to concerts, etc. Those are the things that tend to make me feel like a freakin' loser.

Like I mentioned before, I haven't been in a relationship in awhile. I have two main problems that are keeping that from happening. The first one is that I am very shy. It's weird, I am a total extrovert with my students. I have no problem being a leader in the classroom, and I am at total ease there. But, I tend to clam up in social situations. So, I'm never going to be the guy that hits on all the girls at the bar. But that's ok...those guys are annoying.

The other problem, is that I've received some good-intentioned, but very hurtful, comments in the past. I've heard things like, "Kevin, you'll never find someone until you lose weight. No one will ever be interested in a guy as fat as you."

I know that I am overweight, and I have been taking steps to work on that. But when I get comments like that, the self-doubt comes rushing in. BTW, I'm not losing weight for the people that have made those comments--I'm losing weight for ME and my health.

Now I have been told, many times, that I am an attractive guy. I don't want to sound cocky, but I do feel that I am decent looking. But, it's that stupid shyness and lingering self-doubt that tends to sabotage me all the time. Both of these factors keep me from really showing the "real" Kevin to people. The people that truly know me, know that I am very talkative, and I love to make people laugh. But that side of me is lost in the fog.

It's strange, my disability isn't really a huge factor in my loneliness. This is a strange statement, but I don't "look" disabled. I just look like a regular guy that happens to be sitting down in a wheelchair. So, I have never gotten hurtful comments from people saying stuff like, "No one will ever like a guy in a wheelchair."

I'm currently doing Eharmony, and that has me frustrated. BTW, I mention my disability in my profile on the site. I decided that I wanted to use it as a filter. I mention the fact that I am in a wheelchair, but I try to use humor to downplay it. It really doesn't define me, and my profile is very casual about mentioning it.

I use it as a filter, because I want to be upfront with people. I have tried other dating services in the past, where I have not mentioned it upfront. I have had many initial phone conversations with women before, where I mentioned it near the end of the phone call. Then, I would get a comment like, "I'm going to be out-of-town this week, but I'll call you later." Of course, they never called back.

So, I just mention it now and get it out of the way. I've had PLENTY of people close me out in the past. I'm sure some have closed me out due to lack of chemistry, etc. However, I'm sure that many others have closed me out due to the disability. When you close out a person in Eharmony, you are supposed to indicate why--by choosing from a list of predetermined reasons. I have had MANY people close me out--by checking "Other". But that is ok. I want someone that is open-minded enough to date someone in a wheelchair. Besides, it has tons of advantages--good parking, great seats at concerts/sporting events, etc. :)

But, I haven't had much success with Eharmony lately. I am in the "open" communication stage with several different women, and I have just been playing phone tag with them. This is my second attempt with Eharmony, and the frustrating thing is that I haven't had any dates with anyone during this second attempt at it. I really doubt that I will renew my membership when it expires in a few weeks.

I don't know if anyone will read this blog, but that's ok. I just needed to vent. It's weird, I had my mp3 player going in my car as I was driving home tonight. One of the songs that came on was "Grey Street" by the Dave Matthews Band. The song is about being lonely, and wanting to redo your life. Fortunately my situation isn't as bleak as the protagonist of the song, but my life is quite "grey" at times.

Like I said, I don't know if anyone is reading my stuff, but feel free to click on my profile and contact me if you have any questions or comments.