Faith Found

When I was in high school and college, my faith was very important to me. During my high school years, the time that I spent with the youth group helped to shape me as an adult. My best friends were all part of the group, and I still consider the leader, Keith, to be one of the most influential people in my life--and I have not seen him in 20 years.

When I got to college, I became a part of a campus ministry, and I made some great friends in the group. The amazing thing about the college ministry is that three of my best friends from my high school group (Rob, Jenn, and Karl) also went to the same college that I did. So the four of us were part of the college group too, and we were able to add to the abundant memories that our high school experience afforded us. Much like Keith (my high school leader), Dave, the college leader, became a huge part of my life.

At that time, I was on fire for God. I spent time reading the Bible, and I spent quality time furthering my walk with God. Unfortunately as time went on, God's influence started to lessen in my life. I never doubted His existence in my life, but His importance started to wane. I knew that I wanted to work on this, but it was always one of those things that I was going to "get around" to fixing.

Unfortunately it got to the point that if you were to honestly ask me about God in the last few years or so, I would tell you that I was agnostic. To be honest, part of me would want to claim myself as an atheist, but I don't think I had the balls to go that far in that direction.

I honestly did not feel God's presence in my life. In fact, I felt like I was God's "whipping boy," and I kind of felt that He (if He existed) got some kind of sick amusement out of testing me or dashing all of my dreams. I know that it was a selfish way to think, but I really thought, "Hey God, if you're truly out there, why do so many parts of my life suck so much? I'm a good guy, would you just cut me some freakin' slack!" I had a lot of anger at God, and that's why I tended to doubt His existence. So for the better part of the last few years, I would just "pretend" to believe.

I secretly wanted to be proven wrong, and I think that's what kept me from adopting an atheistic viewpoint. I didn't want to have to give up, but I wasn't in the mood to keep trusting in something/someone that I really didn't "get".

NOTE: The rest of this blog entry is going to be intentionally vague, and that's because it deals with an aspect of my life that I don't feel comfortable discussing in a public forum. However, it is a huge part of my faith story. With that being said...

Several months ago, I encountered some strife from something in my past. This was something that I had dealt with years ago. I learned from the lesson, and it changed me as a person. In fact when this part of my past started to rear its ugly head again, the first thing that I did was get angry at God. I said to God, "OK! I'm pissed! I have already learned my lesson about this! Why did you let this come up again?!?!?"

Over the last couple of months this thing that shouldn't have even come up, started to get unnecessarily complicated. I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day and reliving one of the worst moments of my life. Nobody wants to relive a bad memory--especially one that serves no purpose or new lesson.

Even though I had been agnostic, I started to do what any desperate man would do--I started to reach out to God. I started praying that someone with common sense would come along, and that this issue would be dealt with. I would encounter people that would agree with me, but then they would say that there was nothing that they could do. I was stuck in bureaucratic hell.

My level of frustration piqued at the same time that I got sick at the end of January. While I was in the hospital I found out that part of my world had been scheduled to come crashing down around me, on that first day that I was there. Then I found out that the "crashing" could be postponed until I got out of the hospital and healthy...oh freakin' joy!

When I got released, I had some post-hospital care issues that were not practical to deal with in a classroom setting, so I took some time off from work. This time off from school was extremely fruitful, because it allowed me to heal and become healthier, and it allowed me to try to rectify this issue. Once again, I was just looking for someone to understand, and I was determined to find them.

Things were up in the air until last Tuesday. I requested a meeting with someone who I thought could help. This person had the authority to wield that "common sense" that I was looking for. On the way to the appointment, I did a lot of praying. Once again, I was a desperate man, and I was looking for a lifeline.

Fortunately the meeting went better than even expected. She was able to look at my situation, and she could hear the frustration in my voice. She could see the needlessness of the issue, and she possessed the power to get me out of that bureaucratic hell. She was able to wave her magic wand, and this burden which had taken its toll on me (for a second time) went away. Immediately I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.

I said that on the drive there, I did a lot of praying. Well on the drive home, I did a lot of praising. This one incident has helped to restore my faith, and this became more evident to me, as I started to process what had just happened. It was at that time when I realized that God had been in control all along.

Had I not gotten sick, I would never have found out how much my life needed to change. As I mentioned in the other blog post, I'm much healthier than I was a month ago. Also, had I not gotten sick WHEN I did, I would have had to try to fight this monster AND work at the same time. Fortunately I was able to devote all of my time and effort to getting healthier and dealing with this mess. If I would have never gotten sick, I would still be at work, and this situation might be ongoing...and I would have been extremely ill on top of that.

So now that I am on the other side of these two issues (health and the other thing), I can see God's presence in my life. I can see that the timing of everything was perfect, and that things have worked in my life the very best possible way. Actually the two stories couldn't not have been resolved by a Hollywood screenwriter any better than they were in real life.

I am extremely happy now. After missing five weeks of school/work, I can't wait to get back into the classroom on Monday! I have missed my coworkers, students, and I have missed my room. Teaching is my life blood, and I'm so glad to get back to it. However, this time my students better get ready for "Mr. K., 2.0", because I'm back and better than ever!

But before I go back to work, I have something important to do on Sunday. A friend of mine at work told me about her church, and I'm going to check it out. God is doing some incredible things in my life, and He deserves the glory.