After I posted my last entry, I realized that I forgot two quick things that I wanted to mention. Something happened last week after my meeting that also showed me how God was completely in control of the timing, etc.
I didn't mention this before, but the meeting I had last week was actually with two people. Originally, I left the meeting still frustrated, but feeling mildly better. They had given me some news that made things more manageable, but things were still not pleasant.
Before I left the building, I decided to get a drink because my throat was pretty dry. So when I got to down to the lobby of the building, I stopped into the cafeteria there to get a fountain soda. I was actually at the machine, putting ice in my cup, when the two ladies from the meeting came off of the elevator. I actually thought that they were on break, so I was surprised that they came straight to me.
One of the two ladies told me that she was so glad that I hadn't left yet. They had decided to just essentially make things go away. As I mentioned before, they could tell that there was no justifiable reason to deal with this old issue again.
After they told me that news, I really wanted to give both of the ladies a big hug, but I didn't. I then happily drank my soda, and headed to the parking lot. When I left the building, I had to roll up a pretty big hill to get to my car, but I didn't care...I was soooo happy.
The drive home was very joyful and relaxing. As I was driving home, I realized that if I hadn't decided to make myself a drink, I would have missed the good news from the ladies. I'm sure that there would have been a positive message on my answering machine when I got home, but by receiving this news face-to-face, I was really able to start praising God right away. I can't stress enough how perfect the timing was.
The other thing I wanted to mention is a song that has been going through my head a lot lately. As I mentioned in my faith post, I have had a lot of anger at God in the past. But it's ok to be angry at God. In fact, he wants us to be "real" with him. It does no good to try to b.s. God. That's the message of this song, and I just have to remember that it's ok to let him know when I'm upset. He's a big boy, and he can take it. :)
Anyway the song is by a Christian rock band called The 77's. It's called "For Crying Out Loud." I highly recommend it, and here's a youtube link for it.
For Crying Out Loud
March 9, 2010
March 6, 2010
Faith Found
When I was in high school and college, my faith was very important to me. During my high school years, the time that I spent with the youth group helped to shape me as an adult. My best friends were all part of the group, and I still consider the leader, Keith, to be one of the most influential people in my life--and I have not seen him in 20 years.
When I got to college, I became a part of a campus ministry, and I made some great friends in the group. The amazing thing about the college ministry is that three of my best friends from my high school group (Rob, Jenn, and Karl) also went to the same college that I did. So the four of us were part of the college group too, and we were able to add to the abundant memories that our high school experience afforded us. Much like Keith (my high school leader), Dave, the college leader, became a huge part of my life.
At that time, I was on fire for God. I spent time reading the Bible, and I spent quality time furthering my walk with God. Unfortunately as time went on, God's influence started to lessen in my life. I never doubted His existence in my life, but His importance started to wane. I knew that I wanted to work on this, but it was always one of those things that I was going to "get around" to fixing.
Unfortunately it got to the point that if you were to honestly ask me about God in the last few years or so, I would tell you that I was agnostic. To be honest, part of me would want to claim myself as an atheist, but I don't think I had the balls to go that far in that direction.
I honestly did not feel God's presence in my life. In fact, I felt like I was God's "whipping boy," and I kind of felt that He (if He existed) got some kind of sick amusement out of testing me or dashing all of my dreams. I know that it was a selfish way to think, but I really thought, "Hey God, if you're truly out there, why do so many parts of my life suck so much? I'm a good guy, would you just cut me some freakin' slack!" I had a lot of anger at God, and that's why I tended to doubt His existence. So for the better part of the last few years, I would just "pretend" to believe.
I secretly wanted to be proven wrong, and I think that's what kept me from adopting an atheistic viewpoint. I didn't want to have to give up, but I wasn't in the mood to keep trusting in something/someone that I really didn't "get".
NOTE: The rest of this blog entry is going to be intentionally vague, and that's because it deals with an aspect of my life that I don't feel comfortable discussing in a public forum. However, it is a huge part of my faith story. With that being said...
Several months ago, I encountered some strife from something in my past. This was something that I had dealt with years ago. I learned from the lesson, and it changed me as a person. In fact when this part of my past started to rear its ugly head again, the first thing that I did was get angry at God. I said to God, "OK! I'm pissed! I have already learned my lesson about this! Why did you let this come up again?!?!?"
Over the last couple of months this thing that shouldn't have even come up, started to get unnecessarily complicated. I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day and reliving one of the worst moments of my life. Nobody wants to relive a bad memory--especially one that serves no purpose or new lesson.
Even though I had been agnostic, I started to do what any desperate man would do--I started to reach out to God. I started praying that someone with common sense would come along, and that this issue would be dealt with. I would encounter people that would agree with me, but then they would say that there was nothing that they could do. I was stuck in bureaucratic hell.
My level of frustration piqued at the same time that I got sick at the end of January. While I was in the hospital I found out that part of my world had been scheduled to come crashing down around me, on that first day that I was there. Then I found out that the "crashing" could be postponed until I got out of the hospital and healthy...oh freakin' joy!
When I got released, I had some post-hospital care issues that were not practical to deal with in a classroom setting, so I took some time off from work. This time off from school was extremely fruitful, because it allowed me to heal and become healthier, and it allowed me to try to rectify this issue. Once again, I was just looking for someone to understand, and I was determined to find them.
Things were up in the air until last Tuesday. I requested a meeting with someone who I thought could help. This person had the authority to wield that "common sense" that I was looking for. On the way to the appointment, I did a lot of praying. Once again, I was a desperate man, and I was looking for a lifeline.
Fortunately the meeting went better than even expected. She was able to look at my situation, and she could hear the frustration in my voice. She could see the needlessness of the issue, and she possessed the power to get me out of that bureaucratic hell. She was able to wave her magic wand, and this burden which had taken its toll on me (for a second time) went away. Immediately I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.
I said that on the drive there, I did a lot of praying. Well on the drive home, I did a lot of praising. This one incident has helped to restore my faith, and this became more evident to me, as I started to process what had just happened. It was at that time when I realized that God had been in control all along.
Had I not gotten sick, I would never have found out how much my life needed to change. As I mentioned in the other blog post, I'm much healthier than I was a month ago. Also, had I not gotten sick WHEN I did, I would have had to try to fight this monster AND work at the same time. Fortunately I was able to devote all of my time and effort to getting healthier and dealing with this mess. If I would have never gotten sick, I would still be at work, and this situation might be ongoing...and I would have been extremely ill on top of that.
So now that I am on the other side of these two issues (health and the other thing), I can see God's presence in my life. I can see that the timing of everything was perfect, and that things have worked in my life the very best possible way. Actually the two stories couldn't not have been resolved by a Hollywood screenwriter any better than they were in real life.
I am extremely happy now. After missing five weeks of school/work, I can't wait to get back into the classroom on Monday! I have missed my coworkers, students, and I have missed my room. Teaching is my life blood, and I'm so glad to get back to it. However, this time my students better get ready for "Mr. K., 2.0", because I'm back and better than ever!
But before I go back to work, I have something important to do on Sunday. A friend of mine at work told me about her church, and I'm going to check it out. God is doing some incredible things in my life, and He deserves the glory.
When I got to college, I became a part of a campus ministry, and I made some great friends in the group. The amazing thing about the college ministry is that three of my best friends from my high school group (Rob, Jenn, and Karl) also went to the same college that I did. So the four of us were part of the college group too, and we were able to add to the abundant memories that our high school experience afforded us. Much like Keith (my high school leader), Dave, the college leader, became a huge part of my life.
At that time, I was on fire for God. I spent time reading the Bible, and I spent quality time furthering my walk with God. Unfortunately as time went on, God's influence started to lessen in my life. I never doubted His existence in my life, but His importance started to wane. I knew that I wanted to work on this, but it was always one of those things that I was going to "get around" to fixing.
Unfortunately it got to the point that if you were to honestly ask me about God in the last few years or so, I would tell you that I was agnostic. To be honest, part of me would want to claim myself as an atheist, but I don't think I had the balls to go that far in that direction.
I honestly did not feel God's presence in my life. In fact, I felt like I was God's "whipping boy," and I kind of felt that He (if He existed) got some kind of sick amusement out of testing me or dashing all of my dreams. I know that it was a selfish way to think, but I really thought, "Hey God, if you're truly out there, why do so many parts of my life suck so much? I'm a good guy, would you just cut me some freakin' slack!" I had a lot of anger at God, and that's why I tended to doubt His existence. So for the better part of the last few years, I would just "pretend" to believe.
I secretly wanted to be proven wrong, and I think that's what kept me from adopting an atheistic viewpoint. I didn't want to have to give up, but I wasn't in the mood to keep trusting in something/someone that I really didn't "get".
NOTE: The rest of this blog entry is going to be intentionally vague, and that's because it deals with an aspect of my life that I don't feel comfortable discussing in a public forum. However, it is a huge part of my faith story. With that being said...
Several months ago, I encountered some strife from something in my past. This was something that I had dealt with years ago. I learned from the lesson, and it changed me as a person. In fact when this part of my past started to rear its ugly head again, the first thing that I did was get angry at God. I said to God, "OK! I'm pissed! I have already learned my lesson about this! Why did you let this come up again?!?!?"
Over the last couple of months this thing that shouldn't have even come up, started to get unnecessarily complicated. I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day and reliving one of the worst moments of my life. Nobody wants to relive a bad memory--especially one that serves no purpose or new lesson.
Even though I had been agnostic, I started to do what any desperate man would do--I started to reach out to God. I started praying that someone with common sense would come along, and that this issue would be dealt with. I would encounter people that would agree with me, but then they would say that there was nothing that they could do. I was stuck in bureaucratic hell.
My level of frustration piqued at the same time that I got sick at the end of January. While I was in the hospital I found out that part of my world had been scheduled to come crashing down around me, on that first day that I was there. Then I found out that the "crashing" could be postponed until I got out of the hospital and healthy...oh freakin' joy!
When I got released, I had some post-hospital care issues that were not practical to deal with in a classroom setting, so I took some time off from work. This time off from school was extremely fruitful, because it allowed me to heal and become healthier, and it allowed me to try to rectify this issue. Once again, I was just looking for someone to understand, and I was determined to find them.
Things were up in the air until last Tuesday. I requested a meeting with someone who I thought could help. This person had the authority to wield that "common sense" that I was looking for. On the way to the appointment, I did a lot of praying. Once again, I was a desperate man, and I was looking for a lifeline.
Fortunately the meeting went better than even expected. She was able to look at my situation, and she could hear the frustration in my voice. She could see the needlessness of the issue, and she possessed the power to get me out of that bureaucratic hell. She was able to wave her magic wand, and this burden which had taken its toll on me (for a second time) went away. Immediately I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.
I said that on the drive there, I did a lot of praying. Well on the drive home, I did a lot of praising. This one incident has helped to restore my faith, and this became more evident to me, as I started to process what had just happened. It was at that time when I realized that God had been in control all along.
Had I not gotten sick, I would never have found out how much my life needed to change. As I mentioned in the other blog post, I'm much healthier than I was a month ago. Also, had I not gotten sick WHEN I did, I would have had to try to fight this monster AND work at the same time. Fortunately I was able to devote all of my time and effort to getting healthier and dealing with this mess. If I would have never gotten sick, I would still be at work, and this situation might be ongoing...and I would have been extremely ill on top of that.
So now that I am on the other side of these two issues (health and the other thing), I can see God's presence in my life. I can see that the timing of everything was perfect, and that things have worked in my life the very best possible way. Actually the two stories couldn't not have been resolved by a Hollywood screenwriter any better than they were in real life.
I am extremely happy now. After missing five weeks of school/work, I can't wait to get back into the classroom on Monday! I have missed my coworkers, students, and I have missed my room. Teaching is my life blood, and I'm so glad to get back to it. However, this time my students better get ready for "Mr. K., 2.0", because I'm back and better than ever!
But before I go back to work, I have something important to do on Sunday. A friend of mine at work told me about her church, and I'm going to check it out. God is doing some incredible things in my life, and He deserves the glory.
March 3, 2010
Bulletproof No More
I'm stubborn, and I tend to learn my lessons the hard way. About a month ago, I went through an experience that allowed me to learn a lesson that will probably end up saving my life...and no, I'm not being overly dramatic.
On January 31st my dad took me to the emergency room with kidney pain, nausea, and chills. I had never had a kidney stone before, but I was exhibiting all of the classic symptoms.
The doctors saw me very quickly, and one of the first things that they did was to give me a shot of Zofran for the nausea and a magical drug called Dilaudid for the pain. From what I understand, Dilaudid doesn't take away the pain, it just makes it so you don't give a crap about it...and it worked.
After a cat scan, it was confirmed that I had several kidney stones, and a SEVERE infection. Unfortunately kidney problems are a symptom of my disability, and these problems have hospitalized me on numerous occasions.
The e.r. doctor decided to admit me, and my urologist was consulted. I went into the hospital on a Sunday night, and I was sure that I was going to be out by Wednesday. I had no idea (at that time) how serious things actually were.
My time in the hospital had a couple of incidents that ended up shaking me to the very core. The first incident came on Monday when the hospital doctor, who was assigned to my case, came into the room with concerns about my bloodwork. He told me that they had conducted a test called an A1C Hemoglobin, and my result was a 7.2. Then he told me that any number above 6 means that you are diabetic.
DIABETES! No, I didn't want to have that! All through my life, I have considered myself to be a healthy fat guy. I know that's kind of weird, but I've always taken pride in the fact that I had normal blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. Sure my stomach was much too big, but all of the important health indicators were good...or so I thought.
So after the doctor gave me my diagnosis, he did emphasize that I was just a little bit diabetic. He said that my symptoms could be controlled, and even reversed, by eating better and getting more exercise. So even though I was still apprehensive about the diagnosis, I felt somewhat optimistic.
After the doctor left, I started thinking about how at 38 my world had started to catch up with me. When you're young, you think that you are invincible. You take stupid risks, you eat horrible things, and you just generally make bad choices. I had done all that, and I foolishly never thought about the consequences. I should have known that it's impossible to outrun (or in my case outroll) an inevitability. Unfortunately for me, Monday's diabetes announcement was just a prelude to the shocking news that my family heard the next day.
On Tuesday, I had a procedure so my doctor could actually assess the conditions of my kidneys. I wasn't knocked out completely during the procedure, but it was serious enough to make my family worry.
My mom and brother were in the waiting room when the urologist came to speak to them after everything was over. He told them that the procedure was over, but that I was very, very sick. He had determined that my left kidney was no longer functioning at all. He then said that right one had been damaged, but it was still working well enough. I could survive with just one kidney--provided that kidney didn't get any worse.
He then told my family that he didn't want to have to think about operating on me again. He said, "Kevin's much too heavy to be considered for a kidney transplant. He's not healthy enough. If he doesn't lose the weight, there's really nothing I can do if things get to that point."
When I got back up to my room I could see the worry on my mom's face. In the last 48 hours she had learned that her oldest son was diabetic AND was too fat to get a kidney transplant.
In my 38 years of life, my parents have spent countless hours at my hospital bedside caring for me and worrying about me. I truly couldn't ask for better parents. The thing that made this episode different is that my health issues were truly my own doing. I had caused myself to become diabetic, and I had made my kidney issues MUCH worse than they probably would have been...had I taken care of myself.
Over the next 24 hours, I thought A LOT. I also was lectured by my parents and my brother and my sister. That whole experience was awful. I saw my usually stoic brother tell me, with tears in his eyes, about how he wants his two daughters to always have their Uncle Kevin around. I saw my mom and sister desperately try to reach out to me, and even though I told them that I would get healthier--I don't think they believed me.
Finally, with tears in my own eyes, I was able to convey to them that I "got it." I understood the gravity of the situation, and I was fighting for my life now. I reminded them about a huge lesson that I had learned 12 years before. I recounted to my mom and sister how that episode from the past had changed me for the better, permanently.
So during my stay in the hospital, I was able to talk the talk. Now that I have been out of the hospital for a few weeks, I'm proud to say that I'm also walking the walk. I'm down about 12 pounds so far, and I am far more motivated than I have ever been in the past. I'm eating healthier, and I am making better choices in all aspects of my life.
I've tried the weight loss thing many times before. This time is different, though. It's not just about vanity or some other petty reason. It's about life and death.
I hated getting so sick and not being able to teach for the last month, but I am glad that it all happened. It got me evaluate my life, and it helped me realize just how loved I truly was.
I have made so many leaps forward in the past month, and I am truly not the same person I was when I was admitted to the hospital on January 31st. I have been transformed, and the process will be ongoing until I become the person that I know I can be.
On January 31st my dad took me to the emergency room with kidney pain, nausea, and chills. I had never had a kidney stone before, but I was exhibiting all of the classic symptoms.
The doctors saw me very quickly, and one of the first things that they did was to give me a shot of Zofran for the nausea and a magical drug called Dilaudid for the pain. From what I understand, Dilaudid doesn't take away the pain, it just makes it so you don't give a crap about it...and it worked.
After a cat scan, it was confirmed that I had several kidney stones, and a SEVERE infection. Unfortunately kidney problems are a symptom of my disability, and these problems have hospitalized me on numerous occasions.
The e.r. doctor decided to admit me, and my urologist was consulted. I went into the hospital on a Sunday night, and I was sure that I was going to be out by Wednesday. I had no idea (at that time) how serious things actually were.
My time in the hospital had a couple of incidents that ended up shaking me to the very core. The first incident came on Monday when the hospital doctor, who was assigned to my case, came into the room with concerns about my bloodwork. He told me that they had conducted a test called an A1C Hemoglobin, and my result was a 7.2. Then he told me that any number above 6 means that you are diabetic.
DIABETES! No, I didn't want to have that! All through my life, I have considered myself to be a healthy fat guy. I know that's kind of weird, but I've always taken pride in the fact that I had normal blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. Sure my stomach was much too big, but all of the important health indicators were good...or so I thought.
So after the doctor gave me my diagnosis, he did emphasize that I was just a little bit diabetic. He said that my symptoms could be controlled, and even reversed, by eating better and getting more exercise. So even though I was still apprehensive about the diagnosis, I felt somewhat optimistic.
After the doctor left, I started thinking about how at 38 my world had started to catch up with me. When you're young, you think that you are invincible. You take stupid risks, you eat horrible things, and you just generally make bad choices. I had done all that, and I foolishly never thought about the consequences. I should have known that it's impossible to outrun (or in my case outroll) an inevitability. Unfortunately for me, Monday's diabetes announcement was just a prelude to the shocking news that my family heard the next day.
On Tuesday, I had a procedure so my doctor could actually assess the conditions of my kidneys. I wasn't knocked out completely during the procedure, but it was serious enough to make my family worry.
My mom and brother were in the waiting room when the urologist came to speak to them after everything was over. He told them that the procedure was over, but that I was very, very sick. He had determined that my left kidney was no longer functioning at all. He then said that right one had been damaged, but it was still working well enough. I could survive with just one kidney--provided that kidney didn't get any worse.
He then told my family that he didn't want to have to think about operating on me again. He said, "Kevin's much too heavy to be considered for a kidney transplant. He's not healthy enough. If he doesn't lose the weight, there's really nothing I can do if things get to that point."
When I got back up to my room I could see the worry on my mom's face. In the last 48 hours she had learned that her oldest son was diabetic AND was too fat to get a kidney transplant.
In my 38 years of life, my parents have spent countless hours at my hospital bedside caring for me and worrying about me. I truly couldn't ask for better parents. The thing that made this episode different is that my health issues were truly my own doing. I had caused myself to become diabetic, and I had made my kidney issues MUCH worse than they probably would have been...had I taken care of myself.
Over the next 24 hours, I thought A LOT. I also was lectured by my parents and my brother and my sister. That whole experience was awful. I saw my usually stoic brother tell me, with tears in his eyes, about how he wants his two daughters to always have their Uncle Kevin around. I saw my mom and sister desperately try to reach out to me, and even though I told them that I would get healthier--I don't think they believed me.
Finally, with tears in my own eyes, I was able to convey to them that I "got it." I understood the gravity of the situation, and I was fighting for my life now. I reminded them about a huge lesson that I had learned 12 years before. I recounted to my mom and sister how that episode from the past had changed me for the better, permanently.
So during my stay in the hospital, I was able to talk the talk. Now that I have been out of the hospital for a few weeks, I'm proud to say that I'm also walking the walk. I'm down about 12 pounds so far, and I am far more motivated than I have ever been in the past. I'm eating healthier, and I am making better choices in all aspects of my life.
I've tried the weight loss thing many times before. This time is different, though. It's not just about vanity or some other petty reason. It's about life and death.
I hated getting so sick and not being able to teach for the last month, but I am glad that it all happened. It got me evaluate my life, and it helped me realize just how loved I truly was.
I have made so many leaps forward in the past month, and I am truly not the same person I was when I was admitted to the hospital on January 31st. I have been transformed, and the process will be ongoing until I become the person that I know I can be.
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